3: Shinji
by googoodo11z
Summary: - Chapter 4 - The 'sister story' to '1: Rei' and '2: Asuka', from Shinji's perspective. Feedback greatly appreciated.
1. One

**Shinji.**

**- 1 -**

The night falls again.

Time is just a never ending struggle between night and day. Both struggle for control, dominance, to fill the entire sky with its color, its own kind. The same, senseless cycle continues for weeks, months, years, eons.

I am a witness of this senseless cycle.

Meaningless drum beats and guitar riffs danced in my ears. The music player was stuck in an cycle of infinity, alternating between track 25 and track 26. The same songs have ran in my head for hours. My ears were sore from the ear buds, but I simply can't gather enough intention to pull them out. 

I lay motionless on my bed. The room was filled with darkness. I rarely use lights. There will be light tomorrow morning.

Even though my door was closed, loud, violent screams and gunshots could still be heard from the TV set in the living room. Asuka. Could she turn the thing up any louder?

I can complain, but I can't gather enough intention to do so.

Misato-san wasn't back yet, which is fine with me. The house would be cleaner anyways.

The phone in the living room rang.

_Ring. Ring._

Ignoring it, I turned up the volume on my disc player. The normally welcoming pop-music gradually gathered power and amplitude, and began to turn fierce and threatening.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

I gritted my teeth. The volume of my disc player went up once more. 

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring._

The music was tearing pieces off my ear drums.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring._

I tucked my head under the pillow.

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

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**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

**_ RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing_**

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**_RingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRingRing --_**

-- I threw the pillow at the wall. 

The pillow, tangled by the cables, carried the discman with it. The machine smacked hard against the wall. Pieces of plastic broke off and fell limply onto the floor.

The phone was still ringing, relentlessly.

I threw open my room door and raged out of my room. Asuka. I'm going to kill that self-serving bitch --

"Shinji, get the phone." 

Asuka commanded, leisurely lying in front of the TV.

I felt my anger surging violently, ready to overflow anytime. It stirred like boiling hot lava inside of me. I held my breath and kept it in as hard as I could, trying to keep my cool.

Avoiding eye contact with her, I brushed past Asuka and headed for the phone set. I answered the call. It was Misato.

"Hey, Shinji! How are you feeling?"

Somehow, hearing Misato's cheerful, reassuring voice, I cooled down a bit. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just looking for something for dinner."

"Good. That's what I am calling about, glad to hear you kids are able to take care of yourselves. I won't be back until later tonight, so go ahead and figure something out, okay?"

"Okay."

"There's also money in the kitchen drawer. Feel free to use it for delivery."

"Okay."

"Any troubles?"

I instinctively glanced at Asuka, whose mind is still lost in the bloody gunfight on TV, and totally unaware of her surroundings. "No problems."

"Great. Anyways, stay alive 'till I come back, okay?"

I let loose an insincere laugh, "Okay."

Through the phone set, I can feel Misato descending away from the phone. "How do you turn this thing off?" Misato's distant voice could be heard. A man answered. There were giggles. 

Then she hung up.

I sighed as I put the phone set back into place. I turned around, unsurprised to find the totally inert Asuka, still in the same dumb position as I last saw her, and probably for the past three or four hours as well. Light from the television flashed on and off of her completely dazed face. She was surrounded by an impossible collection of junk food, everything I could and couldn't possibly think of. They were all open, but none of them finished.

I couldn't hide the expression of disgust on my face. Asuka's pretty face combined with her behavior has to be the biggest irony in the world.

I walked slowing and carefully, trying to avoid the scattered bags of snack food on the floor. 

"SHINJI!" Asuka suddenly cried out.

I spun around at the instant I heard her voice. Thoughts began to race in my head. Did something happen to her? Did she get hurt? 

Before I even had the time to digest the thoughts, my clumsy foot slipped on a bag of potato chips, and I landed with a hard thump, flat on my face.

Asuka sat up, staring at me with a blank expression on her face. I cursed in my thoughts - I know this expression well, and what will follow. Sure enough, the blank expression turned into a smile, then eventually, an unstoppable flood of insane laughter.

I flushed. Why am I such an idiot? She already thinks lowly enough of me as it is. I quickly stood up and brushed the chip crumbs off my shirt. Asuka saw my red face and stopped laughing, but a satisfied smile still hanged on her face. 

I secretly gritted my teeth. I swear one day I'm going to rip off that smile off of her face, and make her swallow it.

I spun around, and headed towards my room.

"Shinji!" Asuka called again. I stopped to look at her. Her face was still pink from laughter, and her body still quivering from trying to hold them back. "You want some corn chips?" I glared at her, and slammed the door behind me. 

In the living room, Asuka couldn't help but burst into laughter again.

I picked up my discman and examined it under the moonlight. It was still working, playing the same tracks. I plugged the ear buds into my ears.

The music began to cool my boiling magma heart. But when magma cools, all that is left behind is cold, hard rock.

I turned the volume up and rejoined the stream of infinity between of the two songs. The names of the songs were Night and Day.


	2. Two

**Shinji.**

**- 2 -**

I woke up with familiar music sounding in my ears. It was Day. Uninvited sunlight poured into my room. 

Every pore on my body was howling pain. My pillow and sheets were drenched in cold sweat. Nightmare, again. 

Nightmare was a frequent visitor these days, but I never recalled his face. Did something happen yesterday? I wiped the sweat off my forehead and tried hard to remember, but nothing came up.

I looked into the mirror. There were dark lumps on my bottom lip and black smears across the side of my mouth. They were dried blood. Calmly, I smoothened my lips with my tongue, faintly savoring a small taste of my own vital of life. 

They were as alive as I would ever be.

I fetched my uniform from my closet and headed for the shower. I could hear Misato snoring away in dreamland. Passing by Asuka's door, I noticed her room was unusually quiet. Normally at this time, she would be fumbling around, creating decibels in her room while trying to get ready for school before I do. 

Was she still asleep? I tried hard not to care and kept walking, but halfway down the hall, I stopped.

I can't just leave her in bed.

I turned back with a sigh, unable to understand why I would feel guilty for someone like Asuka. Unwillingly, I knocked on her bedroom door. 

"Asuka, it's morning!"

No answer.

I knocked on the door again, this time harder. "Asuka! We need to get ready for school!"

Silence. 

Puzzled, I slid open the door. 

The room was empty. The sheets were carefully put away, leaving the bare floor exposed to the powerful sunlight. Everything was neatly in place, as if nobody had ever touched the room at all.

I was confused. Did she already leave? Normally she'd head to school with me, even though she would speed-walks ahead of me half the time. This is unusual.

I opened the door to the bathroom. Sure enough, the floor was warm and damp, and there was still traces of fog left on the bathroom mirror. The bathroom smelled pleasantly like soap, shampoo... and something else familiar.

She had left. Silently, I undressed myself and stepped into the shower. The scent became clearer. 

Trails of Asuka's sweet aroma lingers in the shower stall, and slowly made its way into my mind. 

I quickly turned the shower on at full force. Powerful jets of water bombarded my body, forcefully rinsing away the physical stains. However, they were unable to cleanse away my fatigue and the shameless thoughts in my head.

_Do you hate me, Asuka?_ I turned around and let my face catch the fierce streams of water. 

_Pervert._ Asuka's mockingly sneer was burnt deep into my thoughts. I felt defeated, weak, and helpless. I slumped against the shower wall.

The water was freezing cold. Asuka had used up all the hot water.

* * *

"...the Second Impact, as you all know, is what resulted the current scene in the world today..."

I could hear the droning voice of the teacher as I approached the classroom. I entered through the back door.

The teacher stopped his lecture when he saw me come in.

"I... " I staggered nervously, "I'm sorry for being late, sensei... I... I was..."

The teacher gazed at me momentarily, then returned his vision to his materials and began to drone on again. 

I hurried and sat down at my desk, and turned on my terminal. After I settled in, I took a glanced around the classroom. Toji had his legs crossed on top of his desk, spellbound by some unknown shoujo manga. Kensuke, unconsciously hunching his back in concentration, was punching keys on his keyboard at a ferocious speed. The class rep had a small gathering at the right side of room, examining some new feminine accessories I couldn't possibly name. Nobody seemed to notice that I came in.

I turned around to look behind me. Sure enough, there was Asuka, chattering away with a girl beside her. She caught my glance and made a face at me; then, in a slow motion, mouthed me the word "idiot". Her friend giggled.

Somehow, I wasn't aggravated by Asuka's insults. She didn't look angry, even though I couldn't exactly imagine why she would. I felt as if a load had just been taken off my chest. I breathed a sigh of relief.

A small, comforting breeze brushed silently across my face. I looked out of the window into the azure sky. If the Second Impact never took place, now would be the midst of the spring season. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eyes, I realized someone else was staring up into the very same cerulean skies.

She was looking fixedly out the window. Strands of her blue hair danced gracefully in the currents of the light breeze. Sunlight settled on her pale skin, and reflected back into my eyes in a glowing, angelic hue. Her cool, nonchalant expression seemed to be unmindful of any pain and torment, but at the same time she seemed to carry all the weight of the world.

Ayanami Rei.

It felt as if there was a invisible wall surrounding Rei. The river of time strikes the wall, and dissipates into nothingness. She, Rei, Ayanami, Ayanami Rei, would simply sit there, motionless, undisturbed, isolated, alone, until the river itself dries up, until the end of eternity.

I looked at Ayanami, trying to grasp her soul with my vision.

_...tell me... What do you want?_

_..._

_...._

_....._

_......_

_......._

_........?_

_... don't you want anything, Ayanami?_

A small, powerful burst of wind kissed Ayanami's face. Surprised, she blinked twice and drew back. I snapped back to reality. The bell rang. It was a half day today. 

Cheerful chattering could be heard throughout the classroom; eventually, one by one, they'd all leave. I sat still in my seat. Asuka left without even saying goodbye.

"Ikari-kun," A bright, cheerful voice called. It was the class rep, Horaki Hikari. 

"You're on duty today."

I nodded.

Hikari smiled, "Please do a good job. Don't be sloppy like Toji and Kensuke."

I tried to smile back, "Of course."

She grabbed her books, waved goodbye and left the room.

I turned back to the window. Ayanami was gone. Her terminal was still on, sounding solemn hums.

I walked to her desk and turned off the terminal. The warm, soothing breeze was still drifting through the open window. I felt relaxed, and everything was forgotten. I sat down in Ayanami's seat. 

For a split moment, I seemed understand Ayanami. I felt closer to the skies than I had ever been. I wanted to be one with the clouds. I wanted to be without form, be without burden, without restrictions. I wanted to be embraced by the warmth of nature, and return to the wombs of Gaea once again.

I want to be one with everything.

I want everything to become nothing.

_Then I would never, ever be lonely, again._


	3. Three

**Shinji.**

**- 3 -**

Afternoon.

I breathed a sigh of relief. It only took me a little over an hour to fully clean up the classroom. All these days with Misato-san had really sharpened my "cleaning skills". I locked the broom and mop away in the storage closet. 

I leaned against the wall and looked out the hallway windows. The fatigue. The after-effects of the nightmare still haunted me.

I stared into the bright, burning ball in the sky which we call the sun. He glared back; not only at me, but indiscriminately at all living souls on the surface of planet Earth. He watched, for generations, all the violence, pain, torment, and bloodshed we human beings have brought onto ourselves. He watched speechlessly. Does he judge us? Does he silently flow tears of sorrow, tears of pity for his children? Or does he secretly smirk, enjoying the show that the ludicrous people of Earth have put on for him?

The divine God of flames was not to be questioned. I closed my eyes, shielding my mind away from his intimidating gleam.

* * *

When I walked out of the school building, I saw a familiar figure, sitting in the shades of the trees near the front gate. It was Ayanami.

I took a deep breath, and gathered enough courage to walk up to her. She looked up, dazed at first. Then she recognized me.

"Good... good afternoon," I greeted her with a nervous smile.

She stared at me for a moment. Then she lowered her head and returned into a trance again.

I hesitated for a moment, then sat down beside her. For a long time, no one spoke.

Millions of random thoughts ran through my mind. Strange and crazy memories popped into my head; I suddenly was able to recall the brand of beer stocked in the fridge and the color of PenPen's collar. My eyes were glued on Ayanami's ivory legs. 

_Damn it, Shinji_, I thought to myself, _Pull yourself together, say something to break the ice!_

_"_Um... Ayanami," I finally spoke.

"...what is it?" she replied.

I struggled to find something to say. My muscles were so tense it was as if they were going to burst.

"Ayanami..." I hesitated, "Wh... what's your favorite color?"

..._What?_

Ayanami lifted her head, but she didn't look at me. The air around us was frozen by awkwardness. 

Silence.

_You are pathetic,_ Asuka's devilish laughter echoed in my head, _that had to be the lamest thing I have ever heard. _

My face was burning red. I grabbed my head and bit down on my lips. I wanted to kill myself. Asuka was right. Even Toji can do better than that.

Ayanami looked up into the sky. The sunset had painted the canvas into a brilliant orange. I watched her face quietly. The hue of the reflected sky blended beautifully with her crimson red eyes. Her lips moved slightly.

"You... you are different, Ikari-kun." She turned gazed curiously at me. 

_No one had asked me a question like this before._

I was drawn in by her eyes. A certain peacefulness washed over my mind. For a long time, we sat there, simply looking into each other's eyes.

Then she blinked, as if forcefully pulled back to reality. She blushed, stood up, grabbed her bag and started to walk away.

I lowered my head in hesitation. I wanted to call her name. But I was afraid, I was afraid that if I get another cold look from her, the warm feeling dwelling inside of me would disappear, for good.

She stopped. I looked up, suddenly filled with hope.

"Ikari-kun," Ayanami called softly.

"I...I'm here," I clenched my fists.

"... The sky. My favorite color, is the color of the sky."

* * *

Night had already regained power over the skies when I returned to the apartment complex. The hallway lights weren't on, leaving the whole building looking strangely deserted. I had never spoken to any one of my neighbors. Why?

I unlocked the door to the apartment. Darkness dwells inside, too. Nobody was home, it seemed. 

I was always frustrated by the fact that the light switch wasn't closer to the door. I searched for it in blindness. Eventually I found it, and turned on the light. A empty can slowly rolled its way to my right foot, bounced off and continued rolling. 

The light had revealed a peculiar sight. There were empty beer cans, everywhere. The table was soaked by spilt alcohol, forming a small river and making its way onto the floor. Some cans were crumbled out of frustration. Asuka laid motionlessly on her side, in the middle of all this mess. I hurried over to her limp body.

"Asuka! Asuka!" I called worriedly as I shook her gently. She moaned, and turned onto her back. Her eyes squinted at the sight of light. It took her a while to recognize me. "Oh... hey, Shinji," she greeted me with an alcohol saturated breath and a weak smile.

I was relieved, seeing that she was okay. Slightly upset, I stood up to inspect the mess. "Asuka, what were you thinking? Misato-san will definitely kill you if she finds out." I grabbed a grocery bag from the kitchen and started to load the empty beer cans into it, "I can't believe it. You must have emptied the entire fridge."

She replied in silence. It made me feel uneasy. I turned around to speak to her, "Asuka, are you listen-"

Suddenly, she appeared, standing right behind me. She smiled, extended her arm, and pushed me lightly on the chest. My eyes widened. I lost my balance and beer cans soared out of the grocery bag in my hand. Before I knew it, I was lying on the floor, with Asuka on top of me, a sly smile across her face.

"You've always been clumsy, Shinji," she said in a soft voice I had never heard before. Close up, I suddenly realized how scantily dressed Asuka was. She was wearing an slightly oversized shirt. It was unbuttoned, half-exposing one of her ample breasts. Her bare legs glimmered under the light. My breathing became rapid.

"What's wrong, Shinji?" Asuka's smiley eyes gazed straight at me, her face still red from the effects of alcohol. 

"Asu... Asuka..." My voice wavered, "I- I... If Misato-san comes back-"

"Forget her. Isn't this what you always dreamed of?"

"I-I..." I tried to reply.

Asuka put her index finger on her lips, "Shh. Don't talk." She rested her head on my chest. I could feel her firm chest through my shirt. "You're so warm." My heart was beating insanely, as if ready to explode. 

We stayed in that position for God knows how long. Then finally, she raised her head and sat up on my body, looking straight into my eyes. 

"Hey, Shinji..."

My throat was so dry that I couldn't reply.

"You know," Asuka continued, "You're actually pretty cute." She caressed my face with her hands, "Do you think the same about me?"

I blushed violently. Asuka's good looks had always made my heart go wild. But her attitude always felt like a cold bucket of water, pouring over my head. Now, I didn't know what to think. I turned my face away, avoiding eye contact with her, and nodded.

Asuka bended down to kiss my cheek, "You are one lucky boy," she said softly,

"Make love to me."

The words hit me like a shock. A feeling of coldness swept across me like a tidal wave, washing away all my excitement and ecstasy. Suddenly I understood. With the realization I gained strength. I turned to her, face to face.

Her body had blocked the light on the ceiling from my vision; in my eyes, it seemed as if the brilliant white light was shimmering from her body. Her beautiful face was filled with confusion, uncertainty and anxiousness. She seemed almost like an Angel. 

"Asuka, I can't."

Mixed expressions surfaced on Asuka's face. Her grip tightened on my shirt. "You... can't." She lowered her head and hid her face from my vision, but I knew exactly how she felt. I shook my head.

"What... What do you mean... you can't??" Asuka's voice quivered. Her body was trembling; Trembling with shame, trembling with frustration, trembling with angst. Trembling with betrayal.

A forceful slap whipped across my face. Somehow, I didn't feel any pain. The newfound strength inside of me had formed me a mask. A mask of power, tranquility and understanding. My response was silence. 

I watched Asuka quietly. Her chest was heaving with emotions. I wanted to comfort her. Slowly, I reached out my hands, wanting to pull her into my arms. She seized my wrists and pinned them down onto the floor.

"...No, no more..." She was sobbing, "...Please... please don't push me away."

She cried. A teardrop fell silently through the air, and landed on my chest. It pierced me like a lance.

"I will never do that."

Asuka loosened her grip on my wrist, and instantly I sat up, pulled her into my arms and embraced her tightly. She didn't resist.

"Asuka, I'll never leave you. I'll never, ever leave you." 

Her tears became more and more unstoppable. My shirt was soaked, by tears of despair, tears of hate, tears of loneliness, and tears of the unloved. The tears of a girl, bearing a decade of unsaid pain. A scarred girl that desired love so much, that she was willing to offer her body, her soul, to anyone. Me.

I'll never leave you. 

I'll never leave you. 

I'll never leave you. 

I swear, I'll never leave you.

I felt Asuka relaxing her grip on my shoulders. Her sobbing became quieter and quieter, and eventually diminished into the peace of the night. She fell asleep. 

But I didn't. My heart echoed her every single cry, her every single teardrop. My heart was bleeding. But I couldn't cry, because I don't have any tears of my own. I was wearing a mask.

She was so needy. I am so needy. How can we ever love, ever give?

I forced Asuka's warm, unconscious body against mine. I held her tighter, tighter, and tighter. And tighter. So tight that I could barely breathe, so tight that I suspected that I was strangling her. But eventually I realized, and let go. 

Asuka's body fell limply onto the floor. No matter how hard I embraced her, we can never become one.


	4. Interlude

**Interlude.**

**~ **** the forgotten child ~**

The elevator is falling. The lights on the side of the elevator shaft are flung upwards, glowing like dozens of falling meteorites. NERV is sound asleep. I am in the falling elevator. A dreadful silence washes over the entire universe. 

The elevator is falling, but the glowing digits on the panel is counting down._ Twenty fifth floor. Twenty four, twenty three, twenty two_. Like there's no tomorrow. Rising into heaven or falling into hell? I'd rather stay in between. 

_Twenty, nineteen, eighteen_. I glance at my watch. The second hand is spinning fluidly, but that doesn't mean anything. The remaining two hands sits still, as if weighted down by mountains. Time has frozen. 

_Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen_. The elevator dives into pitch blackness. I have gone so deep that there are no more meteorites. Where is my destination? Why am I here?

Someone has called me here.

_Who...?_

I put my palm against the glass. _Twelve, eleven, ten_. My heart is shivering. The judge is dead. There is no warmth anywhere. But isn't this what I wanted? The naked glass viciously absorbs all the heat from my palm, and a thin film of frost suddenly wraps itself tightly around my skin. Shocked, I pull my hand back in panic. The ice tears a piece of my skin off my palm, and I shout a soundless scream. My palm is crimson red, but the blood has become frozen solid before it even gets a chance to escape. I clenched my hand in pain.

I'm so cold. So cold. Time has frozen. _ Six, five, four_. The shattered films of ice becomes pieces of aerial diamonds, glimmering in the air, but only for a moment. Then they fall, and shatter again. Minute pieces return into the air. They will too fall, and break. The process repeats itself until nothing remains. Each impact sets off a nuclear bomb of absolute terror in my mind, decimating any last pieces of reason left intact. 

Please. I want to get out of here. I want to get out of here.

_Three, two, one. _ The glowing light on the panel hesitates on the first floor.

_one. _

_one. _

I crouch down in a corner of the elevator, body trembling from the extreme cold and fear. I dare not cry, for my frozen tears may simply rip my eyes out of their sockets. The light on the panel disappears, but the elevator does not stop. It hurries on, undisturbed.

It keeps going. 

Determined to pull me down into the deepest hell of the NERV headquarters. 


	5. Four

**Shinji.**

**- 4 -**

Day, a weekend morning. 

I woke up, dog-tired, with blood on my hands. There was this strange humming in my head, but I had no recollection at all of what had happened. My fingers and toes were numb from the cold. 

Must be a nightmare again. This isn't the first time something like it had happened, so I didn't think much of it. I wiped the blood off my palm with a piece of tissue paper.

It was a grey day. My window formed a frame around the moving picture of the outside world. The dark, massive clouds crept across the sky, obscuring the light, and hinting on something violent to come.

* * *

A small, rectangular box sat outside my door. The penguin was watching it fixedly. Misato was already dressed, and was as usual, enjoying her morning beer.

"AH!" Misato cheered after an incredible gulp, "This is life! This is taste of the fighting spirit!" 

I shook my head silently. The tragedy of a single woman. 

"Oh, good morning, Shinji-kun," Misato greeted me with a huge smile on her face, "How'd you sleep?"

"Oh... pretty well, thanks," I replied as I tried to tame my gravity-defying hair. It felt like a horrible night, but Misato needn't know about that. I bended down to examine the box, "Misato-san, what's this?"

PenPen sat facing the box, hypnotized.

Misato took another big chug, "It's, *gulp*...ack, sorry. It's for you. A personal computer." 

"Computer?"

Misato nodded. "I asked Ritsuko to smuggle one for me. Took her a lot of effort to get."

I was curious, "Why?"

"Hmm..." Misato hesitated, "Well... I figured that you're too introverted. I mean, you don't go out that often, and most of the time you spent locked up in your room, not doing much. So... I wanted to get you something you can play with." She got off her seat, "Consider it as a gift from me and Ritsuko, as friends." She smiled warmly at me.

"Misato-san..." I didn't know what to say.

She winked, then grunted and stretched. "Well, I'd better be off. I still have a hellish load of documents to review." She walked to the front door and started putting on her shoes, "Oh, by the way, you guys have a sync test today afternoon."

"Okay."

The front door closed behind her. I sighed, sat down on the floor and glanced at the box. I never liked computers much, but I guess Misato-san's kindness deserves to be appreciated. PenPen was still looking at the box with some strange affection. I picked up the box, and he glared at me. I looked back curiously. We stood there like that for some time, and eventually, he gave up. He shrugged, let out a strange, grinding noise from his throat and headed into his little fridge.

I carried the box into my room, and began unpacking it with a small knife. Inside was a compact personal computer, monitor and machine built into one single unit. Even though I was computer-illiterate, I could tell that it was a rather expensive model. Ritsuko-san must have gone through a lot of trouble getting it for me. 

A small note from Ritsuko was attached onto the surface of the monitor. On it were instructions on how to log onto the NERV network, as well as my own account and password. "After all, you are technically a NERV employee," Ritsuko wrote, "You deserve your own private account and connection."

I skimmed through her instructions, and unfortunately understanding none of it. I sighed, and put the note aside. _ I'm just not good at these kind of things, _my vision shifted to the ceiling. Maybe Asuka can help me out. 

_...Asuka_.

Her room door was closed. The alcohol must have kept her asleep. I stared at my hands; scenes from last night was drifting back to me. I bit down on my lips. _She was drunk_, I reassured myself,_ there's no way she could have remembered._

To distract myself, I forced my attention back onto the machine. The power cable hung loose from the back of the unit. I reached out to connect the power cable to the wall outlet, and at the same time noticing something interesting on the back of the empty box.

It was a logo. It was a cute, colorful, cartoon-ish face, wearing a pink ribbon on top of its head. Its giant yellow mouth arched up into a innocent, friendly smile. A female penguin.

* * *

It wasn't until midday when Asuka woke up. I was making lunch in the kitchen when she dragged herself out of her room, wearily rubbing her eyes. My muscles tensed. She sat down at the table and yawned, and looked lazily into blank space. I continued chopping cucumbers since she didn't say anything. The silence grew heavier and heavier as time passed by.

"Hey, Shinji," she called out suddenly. My entire body jolted.

Asuka stared at me, spooked and confused, "What???"

"Not... Nothing." 

"Idiot," she cursed. She frowned as she rubbed her stomach, "I'm hungry."

"Oh... I'm almost done. Give me a few minutes." I felt a little easier. I was glad to hear Asuka's insults again. 

When I brought the lunches to the table, she scowled, "Sandwiches, again?"

"That's all I could make with the stuff we have in the fridge."

"Pfft." She protested with a noise. Nevertheless she picked up a sandwich and started eating. I poured her a cup of tea, and then sat down to have my own sandwich. I secretly glanced at Asuka while we ate in silence. She was as normal, concentrating on her food with good table manners. She never looked back at me.

She left half of the sandwich on the plate and pushed it to the center of the table. "I'm full," she said. I kept my head low and nodded in acknowledgement.

"It's good."

"Yeah."

Nobody talked then. My heart sank as I found myself struggling to find something to say. Things were already awkward enough between Ayanami and I, and I really didn't want to add Asuka to the list._ I'm really a loser, aren't I? _I ate my sandwich extra slowly, taking one tiny bite at a time. It was dumb, but it made me look busy, as if I had something to do. As if I have something else on my mind.

Finally, Asuka stood up abruptly from the table, and walked towards her room. I think she was fed up by the awkwardness. 

"A... Asuka," I found myself calling out as she slid open her room door. She stopped.

"Ikari," she replied.

That got my attention. It wasn't everyday that she calls me by my last name.

"...Let's forget about last night, okay?"

I didn't say anything. She lowered her head, and disappeared into her bedroom. The door closed quietly behind her.

Ikari. Ikari. I repeated the name silently under my breath. My own last name had never sounded so unfamiliar to myself, even when Ayanami says it. 

_Forget. Do... do I really want to forget? Asuka really means it, doesn't she? _

Something inside of me shattered. Hope?

_What hope? _A voice inside my head questioned.

....

_What hope???_

....

_Isn't this what you wanted? Isn't this why you refused her last night???_

I...

_What do you want, Shinji Ikari?_

I... I don't know...

_Do you know what you want?_

I closed my eyes to the aggressive inquisition.

_DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT???_

* * *

Afternoon, NERV HQ.

I was on my way to the change room. I ran into a very disgruntled Misato and a somewhat entertained Ritsuko, walking side by side down the hallway.

"...for God's sake, the man dresses like a pimp," Misato growled, "Are all Kaji's friends like this?"

Ritsuko wore a strange smirk on her face, "Birds of a feather, flock together."

Ignoring Ritsuko's comment, Misato continued, "Why in the world would we need a new technician?? And a trash-talking one at that."

"Actually, I find his conversations quite philosophical and informative," Ritsuko replied, faintly amused.

Misato stopped in her tracks and turned to face Ritsuko. "How can you defend this guy, Ritsuko? You're in no better position than I am. I mean, why the hell would we need anyone else when we've got you and your team? The man's presence is an insult to you." 

Ritsuko shrugged, "I don't really mind. Honestly speaking, we're still working our heads off on that bug in the MAGI, and I certainly could use all the help I can get," she explained as she jotted a few notes down on her clipboard. "Now, why do you hate him so much? I don't recall him harassing you, or groping you, or anything."

Misato threw her hands up in the air, "Arg, it's just that... he's so... so..."

"So... 'Kaji'?" Ritsuko mocked.

Misato's face turned cherry red, "I'm not talking to you anymore." She pouted as she brushed past me and stomped down the hallway.

Ritsuko couldn't hold back the laughter, "Alright, alright, I'll let it go." She noticed me standing aside, "Oh, hello, Shinji. Get ready, the test will begin in a few minutes." I nodded. She hurried to follow Misato.

I continued down the curvature of the hallway. Soon I was joined by Asuka, who had snuck up behind me. I could tell because of her little mischievous laugh and the sudden, inexplicable pain as she slugged me across the back of my head.

"OW!" I cried out in agony. She did a little dance and she twirled before me.

"Hello to you too, idiot," she smiled the sweetest, most innocent smile I had ever seen. I winced as my insides swell up with anger. You psycho bitch. 

"That hurts," I growled.

Asuka was satisfied, "Good. Hopefully that reduces your sync ratio."

I glared at her and rubbed my head to ease the pain. For that moment, all good feelings I had for Asuka vanished into thin air. And I forgot a little. _The girl can be a real witch if she wanted to_, I muttered under my breath and sped up my walking.

Asuka had to run to catch up to me, "Hey, have you heard?"

"What?" I grunted.

"A new technician arrived here today. Kaji's friend," Asuka said with excitement, "I heard he's reeeeeeeeeeally cute." She eyed me sneakily. 

I didn't really see how this concerned me, "So?"

"Nothing. It's just good to have some new blood in NERV. It's so stale." 

"That's a good way to put it," I answered half-heartedly.

"I'm so excited," Asuka said in a melodious tone, "This place is boring the hell out of me."

Seeing her childish expression, I couldn't help but sneer, "Giving up on Kaji already?"

Asuka's face turned red, "Of course not...! I just excited to make a new friend."

"Sure you are."

Asuka stammered in frustration, "I'm just... I... I... ARG!!!" She stomped ahead of me and into the female change room. Few seconds later, she stuck her head back into the hallway and shouted, "MORON!", then disappeared inside once again.

I had to smile. I was beginning to see why Asuka enjoys bothering me so much. Seeing her so mad filled my heart with some sort of strange satisfaction. Maybe I should do this more often.

Suddenly, I recognized a familiar figure leaning back against the hallway wall, observing all of this. Her red eyes were dimly focused on me. "Ayanami," I greeted.

"Ikari." she said simply. My eyes brightened when I caught a full sight of her. She dressed casually, in a white blouse and a pair of marine blue jeans. The clothes were plain, but she looked dazzling. I suddenly realized that I've never seen her in anything else but her plug suit and school uniforms. If she would only dress up, she'd look gorgeous.

"Are these new clothes?" I found myself asking. She nodded.

"They... they're very pretty."

Ayanami said nothing. There was a small pause, then she gently pushed off the wall, "We should get ready. The test is about to start." I nodded in agreement, but I didn't think she saw it. She headed straight into the change room.

I entered the neighboring male change room, with some questions in my mind. What's with the sudden change in appearance of Ayanami? _Perhaps a change in mood? _It's a strange thought, but Ayanami doesn't look like someone who'd be bother with shopping. And what's all the fuss about this newcomer technician? 

Well, I suppose the answers will eventually come to me themselves. 

I pushed the secure button on my plug suit and it wound up tightly around me. Then I headed for the Cage.


End file.
